The weekend I healed the many sisterhood wounds of the past, present & future
and discovered a deep need I have in this current phase of life.
I had decided to arrive and show up in complete authenticity, despite the social anxiety flaring up.
I came into that weekend not knowing anyone else except the host - which was extremely hard given my past experiences and previously feeling rejected in similar groups like these before.
The weekend was specifically curated with multiple invitations of deep healing that was shared amongst the participants & host. Invitations that brought us, at moments, in sisterhood unison (and, oh, how nourishing that was!). An energetical alignment took place when in unison. And then moments of individual healing and introspection held in a brave container that was met with openness, compassion, and in a heart-centered way, from each sister. It was special. The sisters were/are special, and that in itself was part of the healing. To have them there as who they authentically are, too.
Here are some of the lessons & healing that happened after that weekend:
I became acutely aware of the narratives I would tell myself when reflecting on my friendships.
In the past, the feelings of rejections came with narratives of:
“I’m too honest” ~ I am honest, and while sometimes that honesty stings without me intending to be, I’ve come to know that when I approach it with gentleness, compassion & kindness, I’m not responsible for how the message lands. That’s about them, not me. I’ve learned that expressing your feelings to someone you are in active friendship with should be met with openness and the willingness to communicate about it, not with rejection. Especially when you are communicating in a very vulnerable way. It should be met with compassion and love first. There should be a healthy exchange of dialogue - whether you agree or don’t with the messaging. And, for me specifically, reciprocity in that honesty is important. I’m far from being perfect and I need to be lovingly called on my shit. That’s a need I have in my relationships. To me, it’s an extension of trust and commitment to the relationship.
That’s when I started to recognize the friendships I have that offer this; and with that came so much gratitude.
“I’m being used and thrown away after I’m no longer useful.” ~ which was on me. I let them. I had zero confidence in my ability and right to implement boundaries. Heck, what were boundaries anyways? I didn’t know that having boundaries were healthy. I grew up being shown differently. If I said no or not now, I was labelled the bitch, so I repressed it all and became the absolute queen of people-pleasing, making me ultimately the absolute best friend someone could have. I sacrificed myself and my needs for the needs of others. Except, when they were done, they were done. I was no longer useful. I attached my worth as a friend to how much I gave of myself.
That’s when I recognized I was choosing friendships with the wrong people for me. That I let them, and to no fault of their own, just took advantage because I gave myself no agency to speak up for myself and my needs.
“I’m always the nurturer but never nurtured in return.” ~ there was truth in this realization. In the past, I was meant to feel like I asked for too much, which I then equated needs with greed. I stopped having the courage to ask for my needs because, again, I didn’t want to be rejected.
Sitting with this feeling of me being the primary nurturer, I realized that I’m in that role willingly. When I have the capacity, I actually love being in that role, and it fills me up. And sometimes, I need to be nurtured in return too. And that’s okay. I am worthy of being met in that way in my friendships.
I healed the codepency tendencies I attached to my friendships.
In the past, I would give so much power over to my relationships. I had romanticized the version of sisterhood portrayed in movies. That one ultimate best friend who feels like a blood related sister without the sibling rivalry. The kind of best friend like you see unfold in Firefly Lane, minus the toxic relationship behaviours. Every time I’d make a new connection that felt genuine and true, instead of letting it unfold organically without internal expectations, I’d hope that perhaps I had made that soul sister I was longing for. That one person you call your BFF4L. Not only did that set me up for constant disappointments, but it was putting unconscious pressure unto the other person. I gave so much power over to that friend. And while all friendships/relationships take time, effort and yes compromises - just like a romantic relationship - giving away all your power to the other is unfair to both parties. No one should ever give over so much power to another human being.
I’ve realized that the beauty of a friendship over a romantic relationship, is that there doesn’t need to be a breakup at all when a friendship shifts. It can just fade for the moment being or season they/you are in. Perhaps it’ll pick up at another time, or perhaps it won’t. But even leaving the door open for that potentiality while you move on for the time being, is okay. As long as I stay true to myself and keep my power. Not all relationships need to be black & white.
I was reminded of the power of my voice and confidence in it; and how, if I use it I can still be met with acceptance versus rejection.
I went from being a fiercely motivated, everything is possible, and a fast-moving dream chaser - who was an opinionated and bold as a teenager - to a quiet, socially anxious, excellent listener, and chameleon young adult. Behaving like she should so others would accept and love her. I let people’s words affect me one too many times. I let adults words have the same affect too: telling me my opinion or views were of a child and a child doesn’t have a seat at a table. To tame my voice and blend in with society so as to make myself smaller and agreeable. I let the words become engraved deeply into my skin forever tattooed there.
Be agreeable, similar, fashionable, professional, climb the Corporate latter and you’ll be safe, secured, loved, accepted & worthy of being welcomed into friendships.
Being this way can only work for so long, until it doesn’t anymore. Until you don’t recognize yourself and get sick of your own shit.
At the very beginning of that weekend, it was asked if someone could make kindle & a fire for everyone. Instead of speaking up and saying that I could (heck, this is part of my job!), I didn’t. In that moment, I thought I wouldn’t be accepted for being able to do this - which to societies’ standards, it’s a man’s job. Then, that evening I cursed myself at how ridiculous I was being. The next day I told one of the sisters, which then opened the conversation. That evening, I did that fire proudly and happily.
That’s when I was reminded that I can speak up. I don’t have to belittle myself to be accepted. In fact, if I am made to feel this way, then I’m in wrong place. Permission to exit the fuck now!
“I’m not looking for friends anymore. I’m looking for sisters. Aunties to my babies. Motivational speakers. Travel companions. Women who value me and women I value. Friends just don’t cut it for me no more.” by @PrincessTrtment
Following that weekend I became acutely aware of how I showed up in all my relationships. The people I choose to spend time with. The affect their friendships have on me, and how my body feels while in them. I realized that unconsciously, I was already starting to position myself in a way where I was building communal relationships - just like the quote states. That’s when I knew that in this current season of life it’s exactly what I want; and I have that around me.
While I’m not oblivious to the fact that people come and go from your lives; that nothing does lasts forever; and that some friendships are fleeting and were there when we needed it most, grieving the lost of a friendship that meant deeply to you feels the same as grieving a romantic relationship. And it’s not talked about far enough as it should be. And when that friendship starts to fade away and you witness it before your eyes but feel like you can’t do anything to stop it from happening, it takes so much head & heart space. It’s feel like a loss. And it is.
You’ll hear people say : “But is it worth the heartache and tears if they are able to just let go of you so easily? Perhaps they didn’t deserve you after all.". While there is truth in this, it doesn’t take away the moments that were good and that made the friendship so valuable to you. You release with love in your heart still. You understand it. You know you’re valuable, regardless. But also, still wish it was different.
And if this resonate and you are going through a friendship shift or what feels like a breakup, I invite you to hold space in your heart for what the friendship brought you while it was good and beautiful. Extending gratitude for those moments that brought you to where you are today. And to give yourself space to grieve the friendship as it was before.
Know that you aren’t alone in the narratives that might plague you as they did me. In the attachments & codependencies you might have within your friendships that makes moving on challenging. And in the grieving of the loss of what you felt was a reciprocal friendship that you wish you could hold on to.
How do you show up in your friendships? Does any of this resonate with you? Have you ever had to grieve a friendship?
Thank you for sharing Stef. Sounds like you were exactly where you needed to be AND were open to what unfolded. Your insight is brilliant. As I get older I really appreciate when younger woman take the time to delve deep. It’s inspiring to me because it’s something I’ve only more recently started myself.