Stop looking at others for love
“Our fantasies about other people are never really about how someone else might give us their love. Instead, they mirror our unawakened love back to us. They serve to show us not that we need to seek another human heart but that we need to remember to nurture the one we already have.” - The Pivot Year by Brianna Wiest
And just like that … she’s right.
Every morning I sit down and intuitively choose a page of Wiest’s book: The Pivot Year. A quote that often is spot on. This morning, it didn’t quite feel like she had nailed it for me in that moment, until I started to unpack it. And so for this week’s blog post, I share my journal entry with you:
When seeking love & a sense of wholeness from those outside of ourselves, we are giving away our trust. The trust that we know how to serve love to ourselves. The unlearning starts with the understanding that we were thought wrong. That it is not in partnership, families, friendships, parents and even parenthood that we will find fulfilment and unconditional love. It is from ourselves and without ourselves.
What if we stopped looking for that fulfilling & consuming love from those around us, and realise that we ARE love?
We can fill our own love cup. That in reality, looking towards or at someone else for that love & fulfilment can actually cause turmoil - leaving us feeling depleted, empty, resentful and angry when it’s not received as we expected it would.
Don’t get me wrong, in this current epidemic of loneliness and isolation, companionship, friendships, a community - these are all incredibly valuable and crucial to our well being. And as someone who has made a living on the premise of connection & belonging, I know first hand the power togetherness has on our mental health, on regulating our nervous systems, and on our growth. I have witnessed it over and over again. In fact, it’s in that togetherness that real, raw, and deep healing & shedding takes place.
When I say that searching to fill that love cup from someone can be detrimental, I’m not talking about isolating and removing yourself from the people, places, and space that fill your cup. I’m saying that feelings of wholeness and fulfilment that comes with receiving love can be powerful and quite healing with others; but it’s when we start completely relying on others for that love and when we completely stop pulling that self love from within that we start loosing ourselves.
It’s the expectations we set for others without their full consent and willing ‘yes’ that we hand over full power and control over to them for our well being, happiness, and for feeling whole. Not to mention the pressure we put on them to fulfil that for us. That’s a big load to carry! It’s like throwing a ball at someone without making sure they could catch it prior, only to have the ball land on the ground unreceived and unacknowledged. Can you see how harmful that is to yourself?
When we realise that it is no one else’s responsability or task to make us feel whole, complete, happy & especially loved - that we have the capacity without ourselves to take the steps towards achieving emotional fulfilment - is when we stop giving away our power and reclaim it for ourselves. When I say taking steps, I’m talking about:
Asking for what you might need to help you towards personal fulfilment.
Choosing YOU in moments of need.
Going to therapy, energy healing, or a trauma-informed somatic coach to support you in a holistic way.
Adding western and/or plant medicines to your routine when called to.
Getting involved in groups of friendships or community that make you feel like you are at your fullest expression; where you feel alive; and where you feel completely supported when in their presence.
Upholding your boundaries and saying ‘yes’ to things that your soul wants, and ‘no’ to things your body doesn’t agree with.
Making personal space to process your shit, sit in discomfort, and going through the growing pains of getting to know yourself deeply.
That is love! That is how you find soul filing, complete embrace, cup overflowing kind of love for and within yourself.
You have the ability to do this. More so than you might even realise. You are worthy of love, and so fucking much of it, too! And you don’t have to look very far, but within.
Have you tried one of the supported steps mentioned above? Is there one you hadn’t thought about and are willing to try?
I’d love to hear!